My Ode to Technology

I’ve got a desktop, a laptop, a PalmPilot, cell phone, electric toothbrush, keyless entry, battery-operated hoo-haws galore, but apparently around my home exists an invisible, impenetrable shield that does not permit high-speed Internet service. Not yesterday. Not today and not down the road either, sister.

Diagnostic instruments used for nasal cavity or prostate exams in Ontario don’t go through the same scrutiny my house does prior to installation, if you know what I’m saying…

‘Well ma’am, you see your house is make of brick (neighbors in the house of straw and the house of clay get hi-speed no problem)… and then there are those window frames… can’t go through there no-no-no… splitting the cable from any one of the THREE cables currently present in my home… not an option being considered today ma’am… that would require excessive use of a staple gun… lota paperwork involved and it is comin’ up my breaktime…’

And so, my ode to technology…

I’ve got DVDs and MP3s

and all the wires a gal could need,

but sad to say

there ain’t no way

this girl’s gonna get high-speed.

I’ve got a PVR, a shiny car

A GPS and Sony,

But when they say

high-speed’s okay

they’re just full of baloney.

I’ve got TiVo and HBO

Game Boy and such cool gear,

But downloading before I’m old

ain’t happening

no, not this year.

I’ve had a Handycam

I’ve dealt with spam

I’m down with CD burnin’,

But hi-speed net

I just can’t get,

So dishin’s what I’m learnin’…

Sympatico ain’t ringin’ my Bell

and Rogers makes me queasy,

but for hackers and spammers

and hoaxers galore, surfin’ high-speed

seems really easy.

I’ve talked to Colin and Kim

and Stephan and Jim

they’ve all promised me a solution,

but far from my screen

is where I should have been

so that’s my ’04 resolution.